The Return

Reviewed on March 5th, 2010 By James (administrator) & filed in the Movie Reviews vault "This is my... BOOMSTICK!"

I have learned two things this month. That the back of DVD boxes almost always lie and that if you can only find two stills for a movie then it’s a safe bet it’s pants. Guess how many usable pics I found for this review? Yes, that’s right. Two! It’s almost as if no one actually gives enough of a monkey’s about this film to bother to write about it.

Thankfully my dedication to the cause and my devil-may-care attitude towards spending £3 on films I have never heard of means that I am making the world a better place. One bit of dross at a time!

I am not a fan of Miss Gellar, mainly because I don’t like being told I should like Buffy – am I the only one who thought the original film was great and that the tv series missed the point totally and got so far up its own ass that it managed to suck all the fun out of what was meant to be a piece of celluloid irony?

But at the same time I feel a little sorry for her. Yes she is loaded and famous but ultimately she stuck with the show far too long and as a result can only pick up stereotypical work in straight-to-DVD second-rate horror films.

Now I am fairly sure that all of you reading this have a fair idea of what this film is like before I have even started talking about it. I could spare you the time by just coming out and telling you that it isn’t that good. However I am nicer than that so I will save that verdict till the end.

The box promised so much. Supernatural goings on. Terror. Excitement and fear. And so much more. Yet it delivered on none of them.

Joanna, a traveling saleswoman, ends up in Texas plagued by disturbing visions. While in the neighbourhood she pops by to see her estranged father and the silence and tension in the air indicates a troubled past (one of the things we learn is that she used to self-harm and that her father couldn’t control her).

The following day she visits a nearby small town and has a strong feeling of deja vu. Stronger than coincidence alone – there is a connection to her past in this rural backwater.

On her first night in town she falls foul of an a-hole who breaks into her room and tries to rape her. Thankfully she is saved by the enigmatic stranger from the bar she visited earlier. And yet curiously the town’s folk don’t seem to be too grateful that he stomped the crap out of the wannabe rapist. In fact the impression they leave is that they don’t want him there.

Over the following days she becomes closer to her distant saviour and gets an inkling that their pasts are connected. Her visions increase in frequency and intensity and she sees the murder of a young woman in the stranger’s barn eleven years earlier. The woman is revealed to be his wife and the murderer is never found, although quick justice and the general opinion of the locals happily pin the crime on him.

The visions help her uproot the killer who has hidden in plain sight within the community all these years. However her lack of subtlety lands her on the murderer’s “to do” list and it isn’t long before he comes after her.

A fight ensues and unsurprisingly the enigmatic stranger saves her and justice is served. Flashbacks and narrative reveal that their pasts were intertwined (while he was rushing his wife to hospital his car ploughed into the vehicle that the young Joanna and her father were travelling in) and sadly that’s about it.

It’s not a bad film per se but it stretches the definition of horror quite brazenly. As a who dunnit it just about works. As a standard thriller it also scrapes by. But as a horror it just doesn’t tick enough of the right boxes.

The scares are few and far between (and in truth not that scary). The story is too small for a feature length treatment. The supernatural elements are so downplayed that it could be mistaken for a psychological drama. And worst of all most of the last act is predictable and the big reveal of their intertwined pasts leaves you with a feeling of “meh”.

On its own merits its not terrible and if you saw it on tv you would be reasonably happy but the fact that it was so mis-sold to me really grates. On the plus side it looks nice, makes the most of its budget and the turns from all the leads are perfectly respectable.

But the question that enters my mind is “did anyone ever ask should this film be made?” If they had gone down that route the answer would probably be no. It offers nothing fresh and what it does deliver it does so in a rather pedestrian manner. In fact I can’t imagine I will ever pop it back in the machine again. Its not terrible but I have absolutely zero incentive to endure this shallow experience.

Sorry Miss Gellar, your batting average just took another hit. So as promised earlier here is my verdict: its not very good. 5 out of 10

Director: Asif Kapadia
Screenplay: Adam Sussman
Released: 2006
Rating: 15
Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Peter O’Brien, Adam Scott, Kate Beahan, Sam Shepard

(2 votes, average: 5.50 out of 10)

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2 Responses to “The Return”

comment from: Jigsaw written on March 5th, 2010 7:38 pm I myself am a big fan of Buffy and am pretty sure your the only person who prefered the first movie. That being said even though I am a fan of the buffyverse if I see Sarah Michelle Gellars name attached to anything I know it’s going to be pants (Apart from Cruel Intentions). For some strange reason I would force myself to watch her films but the return was the first that I actually skipped and from you review I made the right choice

comment from: James written on March 5th, 2010 11:39 pm I suspect that under that mask you are actually Freddie Prinze Jr! No one in their right mind would think that the series is better than the film! (although I suspect I may be alone in that belief)

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